And it's time for something completely different.
After days of musing about how lonely and sad it is to be me, I'm feeling lucky I am that I don't control the Universe. I don't know who does, but it's hard not to think sometimes that there must be some plan, because things seem to happen right on time.
I think about the seemingly small incident that started it all. The fight. Yes, I got in a screaming match with DBo's crazy, hick-ville, religious fanatic aunt. And missed dinner. And ended up Hola's Mexican Cantina for their last-call half-off fried cheese plate. And got deathly ill. And called in sick. And my boss doubted said sickness. And I, of course, responded with self-righteous indigence, and a sappy letter about trust. Which apparently is frowned upon in the corporate world.
One trip to HR later, and here we are. Fat Al's European Extravaganza couldn't have come at a better time.
No I didn't get fired, but I decided that I was not being treated like a "valuable member of the team" and I could do better. So, now I've got 3 months to find a new gig, or I am prepared to come back jobless, and do some restaurant/bar work till the right gig pays off.
The practical, "success-oriented" side of me is not happy about this. However, the "me" that is frequently over-shadowed by my overly practical in-laws and my own desire for money and social status is starting to be stoked. I'm working my networks, and in the last two weeks I've talked to an author I admire, a VP at a big digital company, and the Director of PR at a major social media company. I've had to network, I've had to be resourceful, I've been pressure-prompted, and frankly, I've been thrown into the sort of situation where anything is possible.
And it's coming right on time.
Showing posts with label big-picture. Show all posts
Showing posts with label big-picture. Show all posts
Friday, May 7, 2010
Thursday, May 6, 2010
Scary Admission
It's an odd day when I see my high school friends on Facebook and wonder if I am missing out.
I just saw the page of my high school idol (one of the many.) My mom would never let me hang out with her because she was "trouble" but I absolutely adored her. She was wild, romantic, spontaneous, beautiful, skinny, had two sets of parents. She had a beautiful older sister, and could speak in a somewhat educated manner about things like smoking and sex.
I'm not sure what she did those first years outside of high school but now she lives in Folsom, has all the same friends from town, and is part of the 2-3 kids club. Like a lot of the other girls I knew growing up, her pictures and status updates are filled with afternoon naps, swimming, yoga pants, 10am walks, outings with other mommies, trips to Costco, dates with much loved husbands, etc. If photos tell the story, she spends her days in jeans and cute sundresses, her friends are life-long, and she really seems to enjoy family, her mother, and the few drunk party nights she has.
Sometimes I think it would be much simpler to live that way, as opposed to being me. My constant need for newness, complexity, competition, and status make it difficult to be happy with family-land. But it's a rare day that I don't feel restless. She seems so calm and complete. It makes me wonder if there is really something to the whole 'husband and babies' thing.
Of course the flip side is that once you go down that road, there is no going back. And maybe she just looks like she's having a blast because those are the pictures on Facebook. No one ever advertises the boredom, apathy, and stagnancy of it all. I just wish I knew - does she ever look at my profile and wish she could be back on her own?
I just saw the page of my high school idol (one of the many.) My mom would never let me hang out with her because she was "trouble" but I absolutely adored her. She was wild, romantic, spontaneous, beautiful, skinny, had two sets of parents. She had a beautiful older sister, and could speak in a somewhat educated manner about things like smoking and sex.
I'm not sure what she did those first years outside of high school but now she lives in Folsom, has all the same friends from town, and is part of the 2-3 kids club. Like a lot of the other girls I knew growing up, her pictures and status updates are filled with afternoon naps, swimming, yoga pants, 10am walks, outings with other mommies, trips to Costco, dates with much loved husbands, etc. If photos tell the story, she spends her days in jeans and cute sundresses, her friends are life-long, and she really seems to enjoy family, her mother, and the few drunk party nights she has.
Sometimes I think it would be much simpler to live that way, as opposed to being me. My constant need for newness, complexity, competition, and status make it difficult to be happy with family-land. But it's a rare day that I don't feel restless. She seems so calm and complete. It makes me wonder if there is really something to the whole 'husband and babies' thing.
Of course the flip side is that once you go down that road, there is no going back. And maybe she just looks like she's having a blast because those are the pictures on Facebook. No one ever advertises the boredom, apathy, and stagnancy of it all. I just wish I knew - does she ever look at my profile and wish she could be back on her own?
Friday, March 26, 2010
A Follow Up to Wednesday's Political Rant
I wanted to share this - a friend of mine posted it on Facebook. It encapsulates everything that is crazy about the Tea Partying, Fear Mongering, Health-care hating Right.
"This morning I was awoken by my alarm clock powered by the public power monopoly regulated by the US Department of Energy. I then took a shower in the clean water provided by the municipal water utility. After that, I turned on the TV to one of the FCC regulated channels to see what the National Weather Service of the National Oceanographic and Atmospheric Administration determined the weather was going to be like using satellites designed, built, and launched by the National Aeronautics and Space Administration. I watched this while eating my breakfast of US Department of Agriculture inspected food and taking the drugs which have been determined safe by the food and drug administration.
At the appropriate time as regulated by the US Congress and kept accurate by the National Institute of Standards and Technology and the US Naval Observatory, I get into my National Highway Traffic Safety Administration approved automobile and set out to work on the roads built by the local, state, and federal departments of transportation, possibly stopping to purchase additional fuel of a quality level determined by the Environmental Protection Agency, using legal tender issued by the Federal Reserve Bank. On the way out the door, I deposit any mail I have to be sent out via the US Postal Service and drop the kids off at the local public school. After work, I drive my NHTSA approved car back home on the DOT roads, to the house which has not burned down in my absence because of the state and local building codes and fire marshal's inspection, and which has not been plundered of all its valuables thanks to the local police department.
I then log on to the internet which was developed by the Defense Advanced Research Projects Administration and post on Fox News Forums about how socialism in medicine is BAD because the government can't do anything right. Just say 'NO'!"
"This morning I was awoken by my alarm clock powered by the public power monopoly regulated by the US Department of Energy. I then took a shower in the clean water provided by the municipal water utility. After that, I turned on the TV to one of the FCC regulated channels to see what the National Weather Service of the National Oceanographic and Atmospheric Administration determined the weather was going to be like using satellites designed, built, and launched by the National Aeronautics and Space Administration. I watched this while eating my breakfast of US Department of Agriculture inspected food and taking the drugs which have been determined safe by the food and drug administration.
At the appropriate time as regulated by the US Congress and kept accurate by the National Institute of Standards and Technology and the US Naval Observatory, I get into my National Highway Traffic Safety Administration approved automobile and set out to work on the roads built by the local, state, and federal departments of transportation, possibly stopping to purchase additional fuel of a quality level determined by the Environmental Protection Agency, using legal tender issued by the Federal Reserve Bank. On the way out the door, I deposit any mail I have to be sent out via the US Postal Service and drop the kids off at the local public school. After work, I drive my NHTSA approved car back home on the DOT roads, to the house which has not burned down in my absence because of the state and local building codes and fire marshal's inspection, and which has not been plundered of all its valuables thanks to the local police department.
I then log on to the internet which was developed by the Defense Advanced Research Projects Administration and post on Fox News Forums about how socialism in medicine is BAD because the government can't do anything right. Just say 'NO'!"
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
Why I am Sick of Television
For me, the last recent opportunity for political outrage was the Obama/McCain election. I became addicted to Keith Olbermann - whose indignant rants were always mollifying - I fought with friends and acquaintances on Facebook, and I truly believed that if McCain and Palin won the election, America as I knew it would be destroyed.
All that emotion -patriotism, fear, and outrage were absolutely exhausting, and I temporarily swore off politics in November of 2008.
Then came the health care debate.
This time around, I have refused to get up-in-arms about any of the issues - I definitely wanted health care reform, but was not concerned that the world would end if it failed. I am excited to see it passed, and to see Obama sign it into law, but my excitement has been somewhat dampened by the hyperbole and hysteria of the other side.
The public is always susceptible to media messaging, and it's been disheartening to hear people with a LOT of influence (Limbaugh and Beck are the two that stand out in this case) using their influence to incite. I know that this happens on both sides, but the level of extreme and hateful things being said by the Right seems unprecedented to me. Encouraging people to do anything in their power to destroy and "crush" the Left. Saying irrational things like "Progressiveness is a Cancer that must be destroyed" - or - "these socialists must be wiped out" - or - "This is the end of prosperity in America forever." Comparing Obama to Hitler (when it seems to me that calling a group of people "a cancer" is closer to Hitler-talk than anything Obama has ever said.)
It's talk that gets people off the actual issues, encourages radicalism and violence, and whips America into a frenzy. Using words like "socialism" "communism" and "fascism" in this debate to describe what really comes down to extra regulations on insurance companies, is such a divisive and at best, unhelpful way for people who supposedly "love America" to behave. It gets us away from working toward common goals (even if our methods of achieving those goals differ) and puts us in this "us or them" mindset where nothing can ever be accomplished.
And they say I'm dangerous for the future of the country.
All that emotion -patriotism, fear, and outrage were absolutely exhausting, and I temporarily swore off politics in November of 2008.
Then came the health care debate.
This time around, I have refused to get up-in-arms about any of the issues - I definitely wanted health care reform, but was not concerned that the world would end if it failed. I am excited to see it passed, and to see Obama sign it into law, but my excitement has been somewhat dampened by the hyperbole and hysteria of the other side.
The public is always susceptible to media messaging, and it's been disheartening to hear people with a LOT of influence (Limbaugh and Beck are the two that stand out in this case) using their influence to incite. I know that this happens on both sides, but the level of extreme and hateful things being said by the Right seems unprecedented to me. Encouraging people to do anything in their power to destroy and "crush" the Left. Saying irrational things like "Progressiveness is a Cancer that must be destroyed" - or - "these socialists must be wiped out" - or - "This is the end of prosperity in America forever." Comparing Obama to Hitler (when it seems to me that calling a group of people "a cancer" is closer to Hitler-talk than anything Obama has ever said.)
It's talk that gets people off the actual issues, encourages radicalism and violence, and whips America into a frenzy. Using words like "socialism" "communism" and "fascism" in this debate to describe what really comes down to extra regulations on insurance companies, is such a divisive and at best, unhelpful way for people who supposedly "love America" to behave. It gets us away from working toward common goals (even if our methods of achieving those goals differ) and puts us in this "us or them" mindset where nothing can ever be accomplished.
And they say I'm dangerous for the future of the country.
Thursday, March 11, 2010
Olympic Athletes - Incredibly Focused, or Victims of Tunnel Vision?
Ok, I suppose Olympic athletes are some of the few people in the world it's probably wrong to shit on, so I am going to go with "incredibly focused." Anyways, I'm probably just jealous that there is no way I would ever be so committed to something that I could take it to the level of Olympic glory.
I wonder, did these athletes ever feel that they were missing out on a normal life? What interests/friends/pursuits did they have to abandon to become the "best" at one particular thing? They all seem to think it was worth it, does this mean that their interests were really so focused that it was a joy to do nothing but snowboard, or luge, or skate, day in and day out for most of their young lives?
The Olympics are now long gone, but I find myself still thinking about what it takes to become "the best in the world" at something. Does it all come down to natural talent? Or does the athlete's level-of-commitment actually play the biggest role?
I sometimes worry that in my frenzy to see and do it all, that I will miss out on actually becoming GOOD at something. There were the years of ballet, tap, jazz, and modern dance, the years of piano, the years of flute, the multitude of creative writing classes, basketball practice, track and field, swimming, Spanish class, a half-hearted attempt at Italian . . . . I seem to pursue subjects I enjoy and have have some natural ability in, but once the pursuit takes up too much of my time, or forces me to abandon other interests, I let it go. So at this point, I know a medium amount about a lot of things, but I can't really claim expertise in many areas (although I do on a regular basis.)
There's a lot of areas I hope to excel in - writing, business, philosophizing, cooking, wine, fitness - but if I can't pick something to focus in, I'll probably just end up being “pretty good” at a lot of things.
Unless of course they give out awards for "world's best generalist."
I wonder, did these athletes ever feel that they were missing out on a normal life? What interests/friends/pursuits did they have to abandon to become the "best" at one particular thing? They all seem to think it was worth it, does this mean that their interests were really so focused that it was a joy to do nothing but snowboard, or luge, or skate, day in and day out for most of their young lives?
The Olympics are now long gone, but I find myself still thinking about what it takes to become "the best in the world" at something. Does it all come down to natural talent? Or does the athlete's level-of-commitment actually play the biggest role?
Perfect example of natural talent paired with lack of commitment
I sometimes worry that in my frenzy to see and do it all, that I will miss out on actually becoming GOOD at something. There were the years of ballet, tap, jazz, and modern dance, the years of piano, the years of flute, the multitude of creative writing classes, basketball practice, track and field, swimming, Spanish class, a half-hearted attempt at Italian . . . . I seem to pursue subjects I enjoy and have have some natural ability in, but once the pursuit takes up too much of my time, or forces me to abandon other interests, I let it go. So at this point, I know a medium amount about a lot of things, but I can't really claim expertise in many areas (although I do on a regular basis.)
There's a lot of areas I hope to excel in - writing, business, philosophizing, cooking, wine, fitness - but if I can't pick something to focus in, I'll probably just end up being “pretty good” at a lot of things.
Unless of course they give out awards for "world's best generalist."
Friday, March 5, 2010
On Ulysses
I love this poem. You should too.
Not only that, but you should get your ass into gear, and go see the world. I mean, things turned out great for Ulysses in spite of the Lotus Eaters, Calypso, Hades, and the lot, they can turn out great for you too!
Sections of Ulysses by Alfred Lord Tennyson
"I cannot rest from travel: I will drink
Life to the lees: all times I have enjoyed
Greatly, have suffered greatly, both with those
That loved me, and alone; on shore, and when
Through scudding drifts the rainy Hyades
Vexed the dim sea: I am become a name;
For always roaming with a hungry heart
Much have I seen and known; cities of men
And manners, climates, councils, governments,
Myself not least, but honoured of them all;
And drunk delight of battle with my peers;
Far on the ringing plains of windy Troy.
I am a part of all that I have met;
Yet all experience is an arch wherethrough
Gleams that untravelled world, whose margin fades
For ever and for ever when I move.
How dull it is to pause, to make an end,
To rust unburnished, not to shine in use!
As though to breathe were life. Life piled on life
Were all too little, and of one to me
Little remains: but every hour is saved
From that eternal silence, something more,
A bringer of new things; and vile it were
For some three suns to store and hoard myself,
And this grey spirit yearning in desire
To follow knowledge like a sinking star,
Beyond the utmost bound of human thought.
Not only that, but you should get your ass into gear, and go see the world. I mean, things turned out great for Ulysses in spite of the Lotus Eaters, Calypso, Hades, and the lot, they can turn out great for you too!
Sections of Ulysses by Alfred Lord Tennyson
"I cannot rest from travel: I will drink
Life to the lees: all times I have enjoyed
Greatly, have suffered greatly, both with those
That loved me, and alone; on shore, and when
Through scudding drifts the rainy Hyades
Vexed the dim sea: I am become a name;
For always roaming with a hungry heart
Much have I seen and known; cities of men
And manners, climates, councils, governments,
Myself not least, but honoured of them all;
And drunk delight of battle with my peers;
Far on the ringing plains of windy Troy.
I am a part of all that I have met;
Yet all experience is an arch wherethrough
Gleams that untravelled world, whose margin fades
For ever and for ever when I move.
How dull it is to pause, to make an end,
To rust unburnished, not to shine in use!
As though to breathe were life. Life piled on life
Were all too little, and of one to me
Little remains: but every hour is saved
From that eternal silence, something more,
A bringer of new things; and vile it were
For some three suns to store and hoard myself,
And this grey spirit yearning in desire
To follow knowledge like a sinking star,
Beyond the utmost bound of human thought.
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
Holding Yourself (And Everyone Around You) to a Higher Standard
In other posts I've mused about maturity, about finding that magic age when you're not old enough to be rigid and senile, or young enough to be an idiot. According to this article, I might be closer to that magic age than I think.
It turns out, you don't reach full maturity until age 25 - and by maturity, I mean consistency in the following areas:
• Decision making
• Use of appropriate judgment
• Rational thinking
• Integration of emotion & critical thinking
• Ability to think clearly about long-term outcomes that stem from behaviors
• Global thinking vs. self-centered thinking
I wish this research had received more publicity when it first was released in 2005, because there are many critical issues that should be viewed differently with this developmental framework in mind.
For example, what do these findings mean for the freshmen girls who bone down with 5th year seniors? How does this research impact young voters, drivers, or those 18 year old kids who run off to join the military? How does this change the way we view young criminals, especially those who commit non-violent crimes? Can we excuse them all as non-rational decision makers? Is this development time-line universal and all-encompassing?
What's more, I wonder how this research impacts my own life. According to Brain Scientists, I should now (as of November 2009) be completely equipped to be rational and successful, consistently doing all these things required to be a mature adult. It also has meant, in practice, that I have begun to see people who DON'T do these things as completely infuriating and immature. Which seems unfair, since only 3 months ago (according to the Brain Scientists) I couldn't do these things myself.
Is this part of growing up? That you suddenly have no patience for those who haven't reached the level of wisdom and maturity that you believe yourself to possess? And what does it mean if, after reaching the magical age of 25, you still do ridiculously stupid and immature things? Like make ridiculous threats in the heat of a stupid argument? Or purchase things you can't afford? Or get so shitty drunk you are unable to keep down water the next day?
Maybe reaching 25 isn't proof of maturity, but it does seem to be a place where you stop, look around, and take inventory of your life. That's certainly what I've been doing lately, and I don't think I'm alone. I just have to hope that I won't ever take my age for granted or assume that numbers on a time line will magically equate to maturity - because although I've "made it" in terms of frontal lobe development, I probably still have a lot of fucking up to do.
It turns out, you don't reach full maturity until age 25 - and by maturity, I mean consistency in the following areas:
• Decision making
• Use of appropriate judgment
• Rational thinking
• Integration of emotion & critical thinking
• Ability to think clearly about long-term outcomes that stem from behaviors
• Global thinking vs. self-centered thinking
I wish this research had received more publicity when it first was released in 2005, because there are many critical issues that should be viewed differently with this developmental framework in mind.
For example, what do these findings mean for the freshmen girls who bone down with 5th year seniors? How does this research impact young voters, drivers, or those 18 year old kids who run off to join the military? How does this change the way we view young criminals, especially those who commit non-violent crimes? Can we excuse them all as non-rational decision makers? Is this development time-line universal and all-encompassing?
What's more, I wonder how this research impacts my own life. According to Brain Scientists, I should now (as of November 2009) be completely equipped to be rational and successful, consistently doing all these things required to be a mature adult. It also has meant, in practice, that I have begun to see people who DON'T do these things as completely infuriating and immature. Which seems unfair, since only 3 months ago (according to the Brain Scientists) I couldn't do these things myself.
Is this part of growing up? That you suddenly have no patience for those who haven't reached the level of wisdom and maturity that you believe yourself to possess? And what does it mean if, after reaching the magical age of 25, you still do ridiculously stupid and immature things? Like make ridiculous threats in the heat of a stupid argument? Or purchase things you can't afford? Or get so shitty drunk you are unable to keep down water the next day?
Maybe reaching 25 isn't proof of maturity, but it does seem to be a place where you stop, look around, and take inventory of your life. That's certainly what I've been doing lately, and I don't think I'm alone. I just have to hope that I won't ever take my age for granted or assume that numbers on a time line will magically equate to maturity - because although I've "made it" in terms of frontal lobe development, I probably still have a lot of fucking up to do.
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
Three Barriers to Freedom
Fear. Attachment. Expectations.
After much thought and internal debate, I've decided that these are three of the biggest barriers to adventure, change, and everything else I yearn for while sitting at my cube, dreaming about the places I'd rather be. Three nouns that are somehow inextricable from the human experience while being detrimental to it at the same time.
Fear is a no-brainer. It’s the affliction I suffer from the most, and it can be absolutely paralyzing. Fear comes in all forms - whether it's fear that my dreams/goals are unrealistic, or fear that I'll look like an idiot. Fear that my logic is wrong. Fear of failure. Fear of pain. Fear that I can’t have it all. That by the time I arrive, the destination will no longer be where I wanted to go.
While fear is easy to recognize as unproductive and unhelpful, attachment, on the other hand, can serve as both a blessing and a curse. For example, when I was planning my trip to Europe, I originally planned to quit my job, and spend 3 months (maybe more) traveling the other side of the world. Since then, the economy tanked, and quitting has become a luxury I can't afford. Because of this attachment, I realized I couldn't possibly get away for more than 2 months, and the leave/return dates must be set in stone. I can't help it - I am attached to my job.
While that is somewhat of an unfortunate attachment, there are things I've chosen to love, and chosen to be attached to, like DBo, or my current neighborhood, or my car, or my dog and cat. Things I can't live without. While I love having all these things in my life, my need to keep them around sometimes makes it a lot harder for me to look inside my own head, and pursue the potential reality independent of it all. It seems like, the more you love, the smaller your world can become. I guess in that situation all you can do is hope that your world becomes richer.
The last roadblock - my own expectations - can be the most nefarious of the three. This idea that things will be a "certain way" can easily stop you from embracing new things or exploring life - I mean, why bother if you already know what the outcome will be. I can't remember how many times I've seen people give up on something far too soon with the excuse that "it wouldn't work out" anyway. When a projection of your own expectations stops you from trying something new, you'll live a life that never reaches it's full potential.
I wouldn't be lying if I said I thought fear, attachments, and expectations were ALL bad - I suppose there is such a thing as healthy fear . . . the kind that stops you from gambling your life away. There are the attachments we love, our friends, family, pets. And then there are the expectations that help people navigate through unfamiliar situations. The trick is to find the balance, and not let these things dictate life any more than they need to. But that's hard to do, and sometimes I wonder if I've figured it out yet.
After much thought and internal debate, I've decided that these are three of the biggest barriers to adventure, change, and everything else I yearn for while sitting at my cube, dreaming about the places I'd rather be. Three nouns that are somehow inextricable from the human experience while being detrimental to it at the same time.
Fear is a no-brainer. It’s the affliction I suffer from the most, and it can be absolutely paralyzing. Fear comes in all forms - whether it's fear that my dreams/goals are unrealistic, or fear that I'll look like an idiot. Fear that my logic is wrong. Fear of failure. Fear of pain. Fear that I can’t have it all. That by the time I arrive, the destination will no longer be where I wanted to go.
While fear is easy to recognize as unproductive and unhelpful, attachment, on the other hand, can serve as both a blessing and a curse. For example, when I was planning my trip to Europe, I originally planned to quit my job, and spend 3 months (maybe more) traveling the other side of the world. Since then, the economy tanked, and quitting has become a luxury I can't afford. Because of this attachment, I realized I couldn't possibly get away for more than 2 months, and the leave/return dates must be set in stone. I can't help it - I am attached to my job.
While that is somewhat of an unfortunate attachment, there are things I've chosen to love, and chosen to be attached to, like DBo, or my current neighborhood, or my car, or my dog and cat. Things I can't live without. While I love having all these things in my life, my need to keep them around sometimes makes it a lot harder for me to look inside my own head, and pursue the potential reality independent of it all. It seems like, the more you love, the smaller your world can become. I guess in that situation all you can do is hope that your world becomes richer.
The last roadblock - my own expectations - can be the most nefarious of the three. This idea that things will be a "certain way" can easily stop you from embracing new things or exploring life - I mean, why bother if you already know what the outcome will be. I can't remember how many times I've seen people give up on something far too soon with the excuse that "it wouldn't work out" anyway. When a projection of your own expectations stops you from trying something new, you'll live a life that never reaches it's full potential.
I wouldn't be lying if I said I thought fear, attachments, and expectations were ALL bad - I suppose there is such a thing as healthy fear . . . the kind that stops you from gambling your life away. There are the attachments we love, our friends, family, pets. And then there are the expectations that help people navigate through unfamiliar situations. The trick is to find the balance, and not let these things dictate life any more than they need to. But that's hard to do, and sometimes I wonder if I've figured it out yet.
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
Fat Al's European Adventure - All Systems Are Go!
I started this blog around one central idea - living life to the fullest in an attempt to figure it out. With that in mind, I committed to making my long standing dream of European travel a reality.
Within a couple of weeks of making that commitment to myself, God, and the other 2 readers of this blog, I got engaged, and my world was temporarily occupied with Northern California Brides, engagement party planning, champagne-filled family gatherings, and a roller coaster of excitement and self doubt.
On Monday, I hit the 6 month count down until my mentally scheduled departure date and realized I was spending more time thinking about locations and dresses than I was about the immediate task at hand - getting my ass to Europe.
So - last night - I made it official. I tied the knot - so to speak - with my online travel agent, STA.com. (I link to the site with the hopes you will plan your own destination.)
Ready or Not - I'm coming to Europe! August 1st, 2010, I will arrive at Heathrow airport, and it will be my job to keep myself alive till I leave from Paris on September 30, 2010.
My future mother-in-law has asked me, "Why not go for your Honeymoon?" "Why not wait until after the wedding?" and thankfully, those comments only strengthened my resolve.
Getting engaged, and being "married" is a learning experience in and of itself, I'm sure, but there is something so much more exhilarating in the lessons you learn on your own.
Within a couple of weeks of making that commitment to myself, God, and the other 2 readers of this blog, I got engaged, and my world was temporarily occupied with Northern California Brides, engagement party planning, champagne-filled family gatherings, and a roller coaster of excitement and self doubt.
On Monday, I hit the 6 month count down until my mentally scheduled departure date and realized I was spending more time thinking about locations and dresses than I was about the immediate task at hand - getting my ass to Europe.
So - last night - I made it official. I tied the knot - so to speak - with my online travel agent, STA.com. (I link to the site with the hopes you will plan your own destination.)
Ready or Not - I'm coming to Europe! August 1st, 2010, I will arrive at Heathrow airport, and it will be my job to keep myself alive till I leave from Paris on September 30, 2010.
My future mother-in-law has asked me, "Why not go for your Honeymoon?" "Why not wait until after the wedding?" and thankfully, those comments only strengthened my resolve.
Getting engaged, and being "married" is a learning experience in and of itself, I'm sure, but there is something so much more exhilarating in the lessons you learn on your own.
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
That Je Ne Sais Quoi
Richard Branson is a hero of mine.
If you need more evidence than the hotness of his sexual exploits, his company produced this - the best airline safety announcement video in existence.
The exasperated bull gets me every time.
Richard Branson has everything I want - he's got swagger, money, opportunities for travel, a kick-ass accent, friends in high places, unparalleled business savvy, and complete and total freedom. He's a living example of someone who's got "the right stuff."
In some ways, he's a motivator, in other ways, he makes me doubt that the success I want to achieve in my own lifetime is even possible, because it seems that people who achieve what he's achieved show their signs of greatness from birth. The guy established his first successful business at 16, took constant big risks at every opportunity, failed in ways that didn't make an impact, and succeeded in ways that did. There was never a time in his life when he WASN'T the face of "Go Big or Go Home." If you believe that Branson's brand of success is one part intelligence and ability, and 5 parts guts, luck, and who you know, it's a little harder to believe that a pretty average 25 year old marketer chick could aspire to reach those heights.
I often find myself cruising through life, not taking too many risks, challenging the status-quo in ways that don't ruffle anyone's feathers TOO much, and I wonder if there's something else I should be doing to position myself in a place to take that big leap. And then I wonder - if I have to think this hard about it, maybe it's just not in the cards for me. The only way I can quell the anxiety of these thoughts is to try harder, to move up, to increase my reach - sometimes I wonder if that's what this whole European tour is about. Feeling like I've got what it takes if I can just find the right place, and be there waiting at the right time.
If you need more evidence than the hotness of his sexual exploits, his company produced this - the best airline safety announcement video in existence.
The exasperated bull gets me every time.
Richard Branson has everything I want - he's got swagger, money, opportunities for travel, a kick-ass accent, friends in high places, unparalleled business savvy, and complete and total freedom. He's a living example of someone who's got "the right stuff."
In some ways, he's a motivator, in other ways, he makes me doubt that the success I want to achieve in my own lifetime is even possible, because it seems that people who achieve what he's achieved show their signs of greatness from birth. The guy established his first successful business at 16, took constant big risks at every opportunity, failed in ways that didn't make an impact, and succeeded in ways that did. There was never a time in his life when he WASN'T the face of "Go Big or Go Home." If you believe that Branson's brand of success is one part intelligence and ability, and 5 parts guts, luck, and who you know, it's a little harder to believe that a pretty average 25 year old marketer chick could aspire to reach those heights.
I often find myself cruising through life, not taking too many risks, challenging the status-quo in ways that don't ruffle anyone's feathers TOO much, and I wonder if there's something else I should be doing to position myself in a place to take that big leap. And then I wonder - if I have to think this hard about it, maybe it's just not in the cards for me. The only way I can quell the anxiety of these thoughts is to try harder, to move up, to increase my reach - sometimes I wonder if that's what this whole European tour is about. Feeling like I've got what it takes if I can just find the right place, and be there waiting at the right time.
Sunday, January 24, 2010
Open Letter to an Ex
You’re probably surprised to be getting a letter from me. So, let me start by saying - I feel like there was never be a good time to write/send this, or any logical reason why it would be worth it to do so. However, sending this letter has been on my mind from time to time over the last year or so, and some things have happened in my life recently that made me realize ‘it’s now or never.’ So, here goes.
First of all, I wanted to say that I feel like such a moron every time I picture our last interaction in my mind (what I remember of it anyway.) I don’t want to imagine what sort of impression that left on you, that I had become just another crazy drunk girl. I guess I was for a couple of years, so, there’s that. But, I would hate it if you thought that was the forever me. I think at the time I was just still angry about all the ups and downs and impossibilities of knowing you, and, a daily diet of booze makes anyone a little bit emotional.So, sorry for that. I hope you understand where I was coming from.
I also wanted to say that I think it’s sad that our paths have diverged so completely and possibly irrevocably, but I understand why they did, and to be honest, I don’t think I would change it if I could. But I think it makes everything that transpired weigh a little more tragically in my head. That is one of those problems that has no solution, unfortunately.
Most importantly, I want you to know that when I look back on our whole fiasco/saga, I am painfully aware that it’s both the most impactful experience I’ve had in my life up till now as well as the experience I least understand, had the least amount of control over, and feel the least settled about. Perhaps one is a function of the other, but either way, I don’t like the distantly sad, confused, unsettled feeling I have whenever a song, dream, movie, reference, etc, brings something from that time to the front of my mind. What to do about any of that, I have no idea.
It’s really interesting to me now-a-days to think about how different I am from the days when you knew me. I think I’m a lot better, which I suppose is an unexpected benefit of maturity.
I remember you saying once that you thought I made all my decisions with my heart, and now I don’t think that many of my friends would say that about me. I sort of wish I had had the opportunity for you to know me as an adult because I think I finally started coming out the other end of the most difficult years of my life, and I am embarrassed frankly, that the last impression I made on someone who was so important to me at one time, was such a disaster.
I wonder if we’d even get along, if we’d even have similar world views today, or if all the commonalities are really gone. I think they might be.
I guess I don’t really know what sort of response I want from you. I’m not even necessarily looking for one. I just felt like, if I was going to tell you all of this I better just do it, so I could stop contemplating doing it and get on with my life. I got engaged last week, so I am ready to be done with you forever.
I’m sure you’ve been able to analyze everything in your head and draw some conclusion that brought closure to the whole thing, and I say, that must be nice. I just hope you know that17-23 were the most difficult, crazy years of my life, I’m sorry for most of our interactions during that time, and that, maybe in another life there will be a chance to work all the past shit out. That would be awesome.
Anyway, I hope this doesn’t seem too out of the blue. Hope all is well.
Monday, January 18, 2010
My Dad - The Badass.
The stud on the right is my dad. Circa the late 1970's, he traveled across the United States with his Buddy Pat via motorcycle. This picture is the epitome of freedom, and pretty much sums up everything I want to be.
Saturday, January 16, 2010
Here's the Thing . . .
It's been weighing on my mind lately what I should do with my life. Up until a certain time in our lives, we don't control the steering wheel. Yes, we choose our classes in high school, choose friends out of our hometown groups and associations, and have some say regarding the college or vocation we go into, but there is a lot of hand holding (at least for us lucky ones) from teachers, counselors, parents, along the way. Once you graduate college/enter the real world, are financially stable, and have tied up the loose ends from childhood, you take a second to stare down the horizon, and realize that there are no more flashing lights directing you where to go. You have complete freedom to realize your dreams, pursue your goals, fall in love with whomever and whatever you want.
You also have the freedom to do nothing. To be alone. To wander aimlessly. To fail.
One of the biggest realizations I've made so far in life is that freedom is scary. Maybe not for some people, guided by convention and the "shoulds" and "should nots" of life, but for people like me who see a truly blank slate, the only thing keeping you from failure or propelling you to success is you. It's exhilarating to be sure, but it's scary as hell.
I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world, but it's interesting to me that one of the things I crave most is what causes me the most anxiety on a day-to-day basis. If the dark underbelly of freedom and independence is fear, I'll still take it, but sometimes I wonder if I'm the only one who gets it, and who is scared to death about which way to go.
More thoughts on this to come.
You also have the freedom to do nothing. To be alone. To wander aimlessly. To fail.
One of the biggest realizations I've made so far in life is that freedom is scary. Maybe not for some people, guided by convention and the "shoulds" and "should nots" of life, but for people like me who see a truly blank slate, the only thing keeping you from failure or propelling you to success is you. It's exhilarating to be sure, but it's scary as hell.
I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world, but it's interesting to me that one of the things I crave most is what causes me the most anxiety on a day-to-day basis. If the dark underbelly of freedom and independence is fear, I'll still take it, but sometimes I wonder if I'm the only one who gets it, and who is scared to death about which way to go.
More thoughts on this to come.
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
Can I Get to The Point?
I am a big-picture kind of person (so I have been told by multiple personality-quizzes.)
I guess that's cool, but to me, all that really explains is why I say phrases like "At the end of the day" and "In the big scheme of things" when I'm talking about why I don't like chick-flicks or when I'm trying to claim Bloody Mary's are a "health food."
I would think that if I was a true visionary, I would have some idea of what the hell the big picture actually is.
What is the big picture? The big big picture? I have no answers for that.
It can be really hard to motivate myself to do things sometimes because I oftentimes don't really see the point of a particular action in "the big scheme of things." The things that mattered to me at age 10 don't matter to me now, the things I love now I may or may not remember by the time I'm 60 - with the here-and-now having such fleeting significance in a bigger design, what is the point of it? I am usually far too cynical to come up with answers that don't shit all over everything going on in my life -
Why go to college?
- So I can join the ranks of Corporate America, where I will hopefully be accepted into an entry-level position that will suck 40-50 hours out of my week and maybe not even save me from the recessional American economy -
Why get married?
- Because its the only way to legitimize sex and cohabitation, even though over 50% of people who once married are currently divorced -
Why have children?
- To contribute to an already over-populated earth where there won't be enough drinking water world-wide past 2050 and to ensure that I have fulfilled my womanly/familial duties. . .
I know this sounds sickeningly emo but the world I live in seems so stupid sometimes that I've got to believe there is more than that. What's the real point of hitting (or not hitting) societally decided landmarks as I move through life? What's the point of networking, and making friends, and fitting into a community, other than ensuring packed seats at your funeral?
I used to say that heaven was the end-game. But really, if there is an amazingly powerful omnipotent and omnipresent Alpha-and-Omega, wouldn't he/she/it have an end game of his/her/its own? Surely God didn't use all the power and influence in the universe to create what is arguably the largest game of Sims in the universe.
Then again, if everything is so pointless, why am I wasting time writing a blog?
I guess I'm hoping that if I tell enough stories, and spend enough time in this painful state of reflection, I'll finally start to make some connections - maybe I'll finally figure it all out, or come to some sort of peace with my complete lack of figuring it all out. . . or maybe I'll just find more reasons to live life in a semi-altered state while buying hot shoes and drinking a lot of beer.
So for now, here's my big picture -
"I'm just a fucked-up girl who's lookin' for my own peace of mind" (ESOTSM)
Whether this is a good starting point remains to be seen-
I guess that's cool, but to me, all that really explains is why I say phrases like "At the end of the day" and "In the big scheme of things" when I'm talking about why I don't like chick-flicks or when I'm trying to claim Bloody Mary's are a "health food."
I would think that if I was a true visionary, I would have some idea of what the hell the big picture actually is.
What is the big picture? The big big picture? I have no answers for that.
It can be really hard to motivate myself to do things sometimes because I oftentimes don't really see the point of a particular action in "the big scheme of things." The things that mattered to me at age 10 don't matter to me now, the things I love now I may or may not remember by the time I'm 60 - with the here-and-now having such fleeting significance in a bigger design, what is the point of it? I am usually far too cynical to come up with answers that don't shit all over everything going on in my life -
Why go to college?
- So I can join the ranks of Corporate America, where I will hopefully be accepted into an entry-level position that will suck 40-50 hours out of my week and maybe not even save me from the recessional American economy -
Why get married?
- Because its the only way to legitimize sex and cohabitation, even though over 50% of people who once married are currently divorced -
Why have children?
- To contribute to an already over-populated earth where there won't be enough drinking water world-wide past 2050 and to ensure that I have fulfilled my womanly/familial duties. . .
I know this sounds sickeningly emo but the world I live in seems so stupid sometimes that I've got to believe there is more than that. What's the real point of hitting (or not hitting) societally decided landmarks as I move through life? What's the point of networking, and making friends, and fitting into a community, other than ensuring packed seats at your funeral?
I used to say that heaven was the end-game. But really, if there is an amazingly powerful omnipotent and omnipresent Alpha-and-Omega, wouldn't he/she/it have an end game of his/her/its own? Surely God didn't use all the power and influence in the universe to create what is arguably the largest game of Sims in the universe.
Then again, if everything is so pointless, why am I wasting time writing a blog?
I guess I'm hoping that if I tell enough stories, and spend enough time in this painful state of reflection, I'll finally start to make some connections - maybe I'll finally figure it all out, or come to some sort of peace with my complete lack of figuring it all out. . . or maybe I'll just find more reasons to live life in a semi-altered state while buying hot shoes and drinking a lot of beer.
So for now, here's my big picture -
"I'm just a fucked-up girl who's lookin' for my own peace of mind" (ESOTSM)
Whether this is a good starting point remains to be seen-
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