Let My Boobies Go

In DBo's family, the tendency is to be super thin with a moderate rack. I mean, that's cool with me, I'm not one to hate on the fortune of others. I'm not particularly thin myself - I mean, I work at it, I'm fit, but I would say I am more of the "boobs-and-ass" variety than the "twig" variety. And that's generally cool with me too.

What bothers me, is that because I am curvy and they are not, I have been consistently held to a higher standard of prudish dressing than the women in DBo's family.

Whenever I wear something that is remotely cleavage-y, or a teensy bit shorter than normal, I get the same death stare I’d expect to receive if I walked in wearing stripper heels and a strap-on.

On the other hand, DBo’s sister is constantly prancing around in teeny rolled-down shorts (like she’s 13 and trying to impress a boy in PE class) spaghetti-strapped midriffs that seem to say ‘Yeah I’m slutty, who cares?” and dresses from Forever 21 that look more like slips than something one would reasonably leave the house in.

Yet somehow, this is all passable, because she’s a twig. And yes, she looks good in her outfits, but there is no way in hell I would get away with some of the shit she wears. (Proof: I have been pulled aside at family parties for wearing a v-neck.)

I decided to try and get around this issue this weekend at my engagement party, where I chose a somewhat tight/boob-a-licious Band-Aid dress.

In reality, it's the opposite of scandalous, but it shows a bit of tit. So in the eyes of the fam, it might as well be a thong.

I was super excited to wear this dress out, and spent the week before the party tanning, working out, and getting the necessary waxes. However, when I showed up on Saturday night, I saw DBo's sister in a conservative flowy dress, and his mom was in an age-appropriate skirt. Of course, I started feeling insanely self-conscious. And of course, as expected I got the surprised look from his mom that says, “You’re really wearing that!”

Long story short, I spent the first hour of the party pulling the hemline down and the neckline up, and it wasn’t until I had a couple of Flaming Dr Peppers that I began to feel like myself, and stopped giving a shit. I ended up getting quite a few compliments, a few that I didn’t hear about until after the party, and, I suppose that all-in-all it was a good outfit choice for a party that’s all about me.

What’s amazing to me though, is just how much the judgment of thin girls can turn me into an insecure wall-flower. The first hour, I was ashamed to be in pictures, I couldn't make eye contact, and I didn't feel like talking to anyone. It makes me sad that I try so hard to please people who don’t seem to understand that there are only a few years where you can wear crazy red dresses and not be called a “Cougar” or a “Home-wrecker” or a flat out "Slut" and that you need to take advantage of them.

I mostly hate the fact that I apparently need to have a minimalist body type to be able to wear what I want around my future family. Unless I develop an allergic reaction to food or boobs in the near future, this is a problem I don't see going away . . . . and I have no clue how to A. shut them up, or B. make myself stop caring. Fuck'n sucks.

Bad Things I Do That Cause Me No Guilt Pt 4.

I fake orgasms.

Not usually, but sometimes.

I know, I'm a bad feminist, and if we weren't getting married I guess you could accuse me of ruining DBo for all other women.

The thing is, sometimes I'm not in the mood and he needs a win.

The Elephant in the Room

2 weeks ago, I got engaged.

The Ring.

It was totally unexpected – as in, I thought he was joking when he pulled the ring out of his pocket - and I’ve been on somewhat of an emotional roller-coaster since. I am completely honored (and surprised) that DBo wants to spend the rest of his life with me, and I know that I’m casting my lot with a really great guy. And I love him.


Some days, I feel completely giddy and stare adoringly at my ring, but then some days I feel unsure, and confused. I question the timing, I question his motives. Some days I look at California Brides, and tear up while listening to our favorite band. Some days I can barely get the word “engaged” out of my mouth. It’s hard to admit, but I don’t know how I feel about being “a married woman.” I love DBo, and I want to be with him forever, but joining the demographic that keeps RomComs profitable is a bitter pill to swallow.


I fear that the window of “you can live your life however you want, and be who you want to be” is closing. My fate is being written. No longer will I be an adventurous, turbulent, never-satisfied seeker. I will be settled - or so I will be viewed. I worry about being seen as just a half. I am scared of losing my choices. I worry about getting old. I fear losing the thrill of loneliness. Of self-reliance. I’m concerned that this time in my life will never live up to the hype.


My biggest fear is of becoming one of “those girls.” The girls who I mock. The girls who just want to have babies and families and who don’t have internal dialogues about pursuing the opportunities of life. When you get married, you have forfeited the right to decide one day that you want to be someone completely different. When you’re married, above all, your loyalty is to each other, and while that’s an amazing thing, what if suddenly find yourself staying at that job, because it’s close to your house and his work? Suddenly you find yourself maintaining the same tired group of friends, because it’s couples you both know? Suddenly wanting babies because that's what people do?


Today I am looking at my ring, and I love it, and I am so happy to be marrying someone as loving and honest and supportive and smart as DBo. Today's a good day. Maybe I just still need some time to wrap my head around the rest.

It's Too Damn Early For This Shit

The above clip bothers me for SEVERAL reasons - some of which are my own quirks (i.e. I am principally opposed to the long standing tradition of dudes asking fathers for their daughter's hand in marriage) but some of which are valid gripes.

For example, in what era do 30 year old women live at home, move directly from their father's house to their husband's house, and have a curfew of any kind? Is it really still "normal" that a woman's living arrangements are dictated by which man is overseeing her well-being? And if we were really going to chastise this woman for being out late, was it absolutely essential to the plot that Dad was the one doing the chastising? Does Mom play some kind of role in all of this, or is the whole marriage situation truly just a transfer between Dad and Todd?

The tribe of married women over at The Nest found this commercial absolutely adorable, and didn't understand the obvious issues with it. I guess that means our culture is still full of people who drive big trucks, keep their American flag next to their Bible on the nightstand, and think that Daddies are responsible for their Little Baby Girls until their Little Baby Girls find a husband and become his problem.

Maybe this upsets me more than normal because I just got engaged and am still struggling with the societal implications of being a "married woman," but at the very least I had hoped we were past the point as a society where patriarchy is endearing enough to sell coffee.

I did some research, and discovered that Folgers has been making sexist commercials for decades. In the one below, the husband actually shakes his finger in his wife's face for sucking at her wifely coffee-making duties (as opposed to thanking her for the effort, or just making his own damn coffee!) What's even more ridiculous is that the nice man at the drug store has to illustrate what a mountain looks like, otherwise the concept of mountain grown coffee would have gone right over her pretty little crappy-coffee-making head.




And if that wasn't obnoxious enough, here's another example. If this is where Folgers began, I guess I shoulda just been glad that Dad could make his own coffee while negotiating the details of his daughter's future.

FaceBook - Helping Us Bridge the Generational Divide

A lot of people bitch about their parents/teachers/pastors/bosses being on facebook, but one thing I really appreciate about this trend is that I have had the opportunity to get to know some really cool older women who I would never have had the time, reason, or ability to reconnect with if I was living in the days of face-to-face contact, telephones, and letters.

One of my favorite people I have gotten back in touch with is my high school English teacher, Mrs. H. (shown below - she was kind enough to post this AMAZING pic on her facebook page.)



We sort of had a rivalry back in the day because I was a naive Christian Conservative, and she was an outspoken unrepentant liberal.

One time, she asked me during a fire drill if she was going to hell. Not knowing what to say, I explained that "If you believe the Bible, Jesus is the only way to heaven." (Laughably, at the time I thought this was a VERY diplomatic way to handle the situation.) She of course pressed the issue, saying "then you think I am going to hell!?" And I said again, "I don't know, I'm not here to judge, but the Bible says you need Jesus to go to heaven."

The next day, I found out that the sole topic of discussion in her other classes was my outlandish accusation that "Mrs H was going to hell."

I think she was mad about it even days later, because as part of a vocab lesson, Mrs. H taught 2nd Period that I was the definition of the word "Verbose."

In spite of her ability to talk some shit, or perhaps because of it, Mrs. H became one of my favorite teachers - she was funny and smart, she spoke openly about the time she hit on Michael Richards at a ski resort in front of her husband, and, as I said before, she could talk shit like a pro.

We reconnected over the last couple of months online, and she was very pleased to see that I had "come over to the dark side." If she and I were the same age, and had gone to the same high school, or lived in the same town, we'd probably be the best of friends. But we live hours apart and have at least 10 years between us - if this was still the 90's, I don't think I would have gotten this opportunity to be her friend.

As it is, I've loved having a chance to get to know Mrs. H as a real person. We even ganged up on some Conservative douche bag recently who hijacked a thread to claim that the gays are "the vanguard of accepting all sorts of dubious and harmful behavior" and that there would be "no equality if it weren't for the guiding principals of Christianity." It was nice to have a teacher on my side in that argument, although, it's futile to try and change a religious fanatic (but that's another blog post.)

Stony Ponderings from Talk Radio

I feel like I’ve been hearing a lot of anti-girl propaganda lately, mostly through the tv, radio, and advertisements I read. (The fact that I notice that sort of thing and am mildly bothered by it always makes me wonder if I’ve been brainwashed by a gender studies class or something.) Really though, it’s sort of taboo now-a-days to worry about being treated unfairly as a woman, lest you be labeled a “feminist” by the wrong people, or annoy people who don’t give 2 shits about the issue anyway.

But then, I don’t think equal legality is really the problem most of us deal with today, it’s more of a problem with perception.

Common example – women’s sports are pointless unless someone is naked.

I’m sure that is probably offensive to the women who put just as much work into sports as the men do, but then I am also sure that that opinion is pretty universal, at least for most people I talk to who are not female athletes.

Perfect example - when Stanford College Women’s bball (totally the local college) made it to the final 8 and the chick from Live 105 was talking about it, she was totally shut down by the guys on the show who immediately ran a poll to see if people cared about girls’ sports. When Stanford girls made the final 4 – no mention of it the next day in Ravie’s Sports Update. Sad.

Though I can recognize this low moment for women’s athletics, I have to say that I am not really interested in sports, naked or clothed. So, I'm the wrong person to argue that issue.

In my own life, I think that I am treated as an intelligent being and unhindered from most endeavors in spite of the boobs and the vagina. However, I also think the semi-misogynistic undercurrent in a lot of media DOES exist in more ways than one, and I think it gives lot of women (and if I am going to be totally fair, a lot of men) the idea that there is a defined role for them in society before they even give things a go, or tells them that “normal” men and women are a certain way. And I am not a fan of that at all.

For example, today, I was in my car driving to work, smoking some herb, and I was listening to Live 105 (the anti-girls sports station). For some reason (and I’ve noticed this in both San Luis Obispo, and now in the bay area) rock stations are super conservative, super biased towards men, and super anti-me – even though I am positive I am not the only liberal/girl/stoner chick that listens to alternative/rock on the radio and likes hilarious convo in the morning.

Unfortunately, this is pretty much an example of what you hear in between songs for a lot of the day:

Commercial one:

A Kragen Auto Parts commercial led by some toolish guy instructing a toolish sounding crew of guys that “If we can lift the toilet seat, she can put it down!” and “I refuse to eat Chick Food” (like chocolate?)

Of course, the last cheer - “Real Men buy auto parts from Kragen!”

Commercial two:

Two fun-loving guys talking about going to the Cochella concert, and then the girlfriend gets in the way and says no, so they have to settle for hearing it Live from the Blue Room (what the commercial was actually for.) Of course, the commercial ends with the girlfriend’s voice yelling at the poor guy to pick up his stuff (that’s a reeeal common theme in commercials – the idea of the nagging girlfriend ruining things for the fun-loving guy and his crazy crew.)

End of Commercials:

Morning Show comes back on – hosts talking about how all they want in a phone-screener is a hot chick- and how they don’t care if she’s smart, because no hot chicks are smart, only good for 1 thing, yada yada yada . . .

ok, I zoned out for a bit after that. Really though, if I paid attention while listening to the radio, I would be offended a million times a day. But then I am good at tuning things out.

Call me crazy, whether its unintentionally or pretty insidiously, I think there are still a lot of ads, shows, etc. that perpetuate the ideas that girls are lame - it sucks to be lame. Really, that is my beef with the whole thing - I'm a girl, does that mean I am automatically lamed! Why does my gender have to be the one singled out for lameness just because people want to sell shit to guys?

Lunch break over - no conclusions drawn. Damn.