Scary Admission

It's an odd day when I see my high school friends on Facebook and wonder if I am missing out.

I just saw the page of my high school idol (one of the many.) My mom would never let me hang out with her because she was "trouble" but I absolutely adored her. She was wild, romantic, spontaneous, beautiful, skinny, had two sets of parents. She had a beautiful older sister, and could speak in a somewhat educated manner about things like smoking and sex.

I'm not sure what she did those first years outside of high school but now she lives in Folsom, has all the same friends from town, and is part of the 2-3 kids club. Like a lot of the other girls I knew growing up, her pictures and status updates are filled with afternoon naps, swimming, yoga pants, 10am walks, outings with other mommies, trips to Costco, dates with much loved husbands, etc. If photos tell the story, she spends her days in jeans and cute sundresses, her friends are life-long, and she really seems to enjoy family, her mother, and the few drunk party nights she has.

Sometimes I think it would be much simpler to live that way, as opposed to being me. My constant need for newness, complexity, competition, and status make it difficult to be happy with family-land. But it's a rare day that I don't feel restless. She seems so calm and complete. It makes me wonder if there is really something to the whole 'husband and babies' thing.

Of course the flip side is that once you go down that road, there is no going back. And maybe she just looks like she's having a blast because those are the pictures on Facebook. No one ever advertises the boredom, apathy, and stagnancy of it all. I just wish I knew - does she ever look at my profile and wish she could be back on her own?

Here's the Thing . . .

It's been weighing on my mind lately what I should do with my life. Up until a certain time in our lives, we don't control the steering wheel. Yes, we choose our classes in high school, choose friends out of our hometown groups and associations, and have some say regarding the college or vocation we go into, but there is a lot of hand holding (at least for us lucky ones) from teachers, counselors, parents, along the way. Once you graduate college/enter the real world, are financially stable, and have tied up the loose ends from childhood, you take a second to stare down the horizon, and realize that there are no more flashing lights directing you where to go. You have complete freedom to realize your dreams, pursue your goals, fall in love with whomever and whatever you want.

You also have the freedom to do nothing. To be alone. To wander aimlessly. To fail.

One of the biggest realizations I've made so far in life is that freedom is scary. Maybe not for some people, guided by convention and the "shoulds" and "should nots" of life, but for people like me who see a truly blank slate, the only thing keeping you from failure or propelling you to success is you. It's exhilarating to be sure, but it's scary as hell.

I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world, but it's interesting to me that one of the things I crave most is what causes me the most anxiety on a day-to-day basis. If the dark underbelly of freedom and independence is fear, I'll still take it, but sometimes I wonder if I'm the only one who gets it, and who is scared to death about which way to go.

More thoughts on this to come.

Our Nature Lies in Movement

It certainly does. At least my nature.

Even as I write this, my leg is shaking, I'm tapping the keys as I reflect upon the next word I'll put on the page, and a quarter of my brain is considering getting up to take a trip around the building to see what's going on. Call it ADD, but I prefer to say that my brain has a high-processing speed. Sometimes I feel like the rest of the world is moving way too slowly, and that my time is constantly being wasted waiting for it to catch up.

Movement is important - it's one of the things that sets us apart from the dead. But along with physical movement, I think emotional and psychological movement are important as well. I believe that ending in a different place than where you started is inherently combined with growth as a rational and enlightened being. The more you do, the more you see, the more you MOVE, the more your brain will start to make the connections necessary to grow.

With that in mind . . . I have decided to pick up and move. To Europe. To experience life for 2 months as a broke European vagabond. This will DEFINITELY force some movement on all three fronts given:

I aim to cover at least 10 different countries in 2 months (if not more)
I never do anything by myself
I am a huge control freak and experience extreme anxiety when I have no control

Here is my initially proposed route (major cities/sites along the way):

Month 1

Copenhagen

Amsterdam

London

Brussels

Berlin

Prague

Vienna

Croatia

Month 2

FLY TO Munich

Meet up with D-bo in Munich

Switzerland (Driving through the Alps)

Romantic Road, Bavaria, Rhine River Cruise

Venice

Florence

Rome

Cinque Terra

Nice

French Riviera

Barcelona

Ibiza

Paris

Is this an ambitious plan? Probably. Will I have one or several freak-outs or plan readjustments along the way? Most definitely. The necessary ambitious savings schedule I've implemented is already freaking me out.

For me, the deciding factor was Grandma P. sitting on her couch upstairs, watching "Explore Europe" dvds and talking about all the things she'll never do. And that is the most terrifying thing in the world.