The Unintentionally Creepy Dude

I spend a lot of time thinking about the unavoidable judgments that come along with boobs, blond hair, and an ass. I worry that if I don't constantly demonstrate intelligence or seem too casual I will garner zero respect. More often than I would like I worry about being disregarded or overlooked because of surface appearances.

I don't think this is simply paranoia. I've been engaged in a battle to overcome the dumb blond stereotype my entire life, and have realized that for men of a certain age, sexism is so irrevocably ingrained into their psyches that there is nothing I could do to overcome it. (Luckily most of those dudes have only about 20-30 years left.)

However, I was walking by a guy at our office today, and I realized there is a far worse stereotype than the dumb blond. The old creepy dude.


It's the dude with the nose hair and the unpredictable sweat glands. The dude with an awkward laugh who hasn't yet mastered eye contact. Maybe he's got too many pictures of his young nieces hanging up in his office. Somewhere between 30-60, he's single, and is just too weird to be passed off as your laughable "dirty old man" or lovable "office nerd."

And whenever you see that guy at the office, you can't help but cringe.

I would hate to live in fear that every comment or off-color joke I made would lead people to assume I was a pedophile, or that I had a sex dungeon in the basement.

I suppose there could be some logical discussion of what's worse - with the right connections and proper grooming the creepy dude can still have the corner office, but the dumb blond can get laid - but it doesn't matter. I would rather be anyone than the unintentionally creepy dude at my office.

Where All Misogynists Eventually End Up

A tribute to my (ex) co-worker. Who spent his days alternately hitting on me, snarking on my failures, and treating me like a secretary in front of clients. He began as a lawyer, found his way to Marketing at a small-time assessment publishing company, and then was fired for using company money to pay his car insurance. Last I saw, he had joined a "Find Your Strengths with Astrology" group on Facebook.

May he find happiness with all the cake in the world.

The Summer Time Freak Show

And no, I am not referring to the circus.

I am referring to the phenomenon that is - European grandmas at the pool.

I went lap swimming today for the first time this year, which means I also visited the pool's locker room for the first time this year.

I suppose I should lead with the admission that inherently, I am not a huge fan of public nudity. I am also not a fan of the elderly. In this, the pool locker room serves as some awful form of immersion therapy, because if you have ever participated in the 11am lap swim, you would know that it is predominantly filled with people like this:

And this.

And while I am certainly not one to begrudge the elderly their low-impact workout, I don't understand the incessant need of these people to be graphically naked before and after their swim. Amidst bushes that have NEVER seen a clipper, nipples touching belly buttons, asses the size of cars, and thighs that look like tapioca pudding, I was the only person who seemed to have any sense of modesty. I mean, I get there is a momentary need for nudity between the swimsuit and undergarments, but these women have no shame.

Today, I was brutally eye raped. Not only was I faced with the gruesome sight of an overweight octogenarian using a washcloth like toilet paper while her friend used a bathtub scrubber to clean her toes, but an older German woman with mile-long boobs asked to borrow shampoo.

In times like this, all I can say is - Thank God my grandma doesn't swim.