And That's How You Know You're High

Is it weird to be tripped out about the fact that if I live long enough, I will no longer own my favorite pair of shoes? And not only will I not own them, I will have no recollection of owning them, and won't remember to miss them.

It's as if we live a million life times within our time on earth, and all of them are filled with different friends, different thoughts, different hopes, different goals, different dreams, and different shoes.

The Elephant in the Room

2 weeks ago, I got engaged.

The Ring.

It was totally unexpected – as in, I thought he was joking when he pulled the ring out of his pocket - and I’ve been on somewhat of an emotional roller-coaster since. I am completely honored (and surprised) that DBo wants to spend the rest of his life with me, and I know that I’m casting my lot with a really great guy. And I love him.


Some days, I feel completely giddy and stare adoringly at my ring, but then some days I feel unsure, and confused. I question the timing, I question his motives. Some days I look at California Brides, and tear up while listening to our favorite band. Some days I can barely get the word “engaged” out of my mouth. It’s hard to admit, but I don’t know how I feel about being “a married woman.” I love DBo, and I want to be with him forever, but joining the demographic that keeps RomComs profitable is a bitter pill to swallow.


I fear that the window of “you can live your life however you want, and be who you want to be” is closing. My fate is being written. No longer will I be an adventurous, turbulent, never-satisfied seeker. I will be settled - or so I will be viewed. I worry about being seen as just a half. I am scared of losing my choices. I worry about getting old. I fear losing the thrill of loneliness. Of self-reliance. I’m concerned that this time in my life will never live up to the hype.


My biggest fear is of becoming one of “those girls.” The girls who I mock. The girls who just want to have babies and families and who don’t have internal dialogues about pursuing the opportunities of life. When you get married, you have forfeited the right to decide one day that you want to be someone completely different. When you’re married, above all, your loyalty is to each other, and while that’s an amazing thing, what if suddenly find yourself staying at that job, because it’s close to your house and his work? Suddenly you find yourself maintaining the same tired group of friends, because it’s couples you both know? Suddenly wanting babies because that's what people do?


Today I am looking at my ring, and I love it, and I am so happy to be marrying someone as loving and honest and supportive and smart as DBo. Today's a good day. Maybe I just still need some time to wrap my head around the rest.

I'm Baaaaaaack - and More EMO than Ever Before

So – after taking a year off of “blogging” (as if two posts from last year really count as blogging) to find my voice, I am in the same exact place I was when I began – stoned and voiceless. I have too many thoughts rushing through my head to choose a path, and an unparalleled inconsistency in my motivation. I suppose I can say I am much less stoned than I was a year ago, now that I am a contributing member of society. Other than that . . . not much has changed.

A multitude of crappy, boring writers have joined the ranks of bloggers to congest the Internet with their earnest, misspelled ramblings, so I figure I should try my hand again – at least I've got a basic understanding of grammar working in my favor.

2010 is going to be a year of discovery. I am finally 25 – an age that carries weight, respect, gravitas, etc… with absolutely no one – but I feel different than I did before. Maybe this is because my upstairs roommate is 80, but I have recently begun to notice that life is ticking by, and all that waits in the end are your own questionable odors, dead lovers and friends, orthopedic shoes, a constant need to putter aimlessly, saggy boobs, loss of social skills and street smarts – oh – and death.

Seeing the end of the road makes a person feel that they better seize the day while they fucking can.

Whatever the cause, I have recently developed a sense of urgency about figuring out the point of my existence, and I am ready to get down to business. Finding some answers, discovering what life is all about, and all that noise.

This blog is mostly for me (sorry to disappoint) but it’s also for all the people out there who realize that even if there are no answers to the questions we ask, we can’t stop asking them. For all the people who find ambiguity necessary and terrifying. For all the people who are bogged down by their constant need to make connections between the seemingly random events in life. For all the people who subscribe to the theory that if you can just experience enough, the missing puzzle piece will appear and the whole universe will make sense. For people who live for adventure, and who have a craving to know more.

This is what my ramblings are devoted to. So long for now, we’ll see where this goes.

Stony Ponderings from Talk Radio

I feel like I’ve been hearing a lot of anti-girl propaganda lately, mostly through the tv, radio, and advertisements I read. (The fact that I notice that sort of thing and am mildly bothered by it always makes me wonder if I’ve been brainwashed by a gender studies class or something.) Really though, it’s sort of taboo now-a-days to worry about being treated unfairly as a woman, lest you be labeled a “feminist” by the wrong people, or annoy people who don’t give 2 shits about the issue anyway.

But then, I don’t think equal legality is really the problem most of us deal with today, it’s more of a problem with perception.

Common example – women’s sports are pointless unless someone is naked.

I’m sure that is probably offensive to the women who put just as much work into sports as the men do, but then I am also sure that that opinion is pretty universal, at least for most people I talk to who are not female athletes.

Perfect example - when Stanford College Women’s bball (totally the local college) made it to the final 8 and the chick from Live 105 was talking about it, she was totally shut down by the guys on the show who immediately ran a poll to see if people cared about girls’ sports. When Stanford girls made the final 4 – no mention of it the next day in Ravie’s Sports Update. Sad.

Though I can recognize this low moment for women’s athletics, I have to say that I am not really interested in sports, naked or clothed. So, I'm the wrong person to argue that issue.

In my own life, I think that I am treated as an intelligent being and unhindered from most endeavors in spite of the boobs and the vagina. However, I also think the semi-misogynistic undercurrent in a lot of media DOES exist in more ways than one, and I think it gives lot of women (and if I am going to be totally fair, a lot of men) the idea that there is a defined role for them in society before they even give things a go, or tells them that “normal” men and women are a certain way. And I am not a fan of that at all.

For example, today, I was in my car driving to work, smoking some herb, and I was listening to Live 105 (the anti-girls sports station). For some reason (and I’ve noticed this in both San Luis Obispo, and now in the bay area) rock stations are super conservative, super biased towards men, and super anti-me – even though I am positive I am not the only liberal/girl/stoner chick that listens to alternative/rock on the radio and likes hilarious convo in the morning.

Unfortunately, this is pretty much an example of what you hear in between songs for a lot of the day:

Commercial one:

A Kragen Auto Parts commercial led by some toolish guy instructing a toolish sounding crew of guys that “If we can lift the toilet seat, she can put it down!” and “I refuse to eat Chick Food” (like chocolate?)

Of course, the last cheer - “Real Men buy auto parts from Kragen!”

Commercial two:

Two fun-loving guys talking about going to the Cochella concert, and then the girlfriend gets in the way and says no, so they have to settle for hearing it Live from the Blue Room (what the commercial was actually for.) Of course, the commercial ends with the girlfriend’s voice yelling at the poor guy to pick up his stuff (that’s a reeeal common theme in commercials – the idea of the nagging girlfriend ruining things for the fun-loving guy and his crazy crew.)

End of Commercials:

Morning Show comes back on – hosts talking about how all they want in a phone-screener is a hot chick- and how they don’t care if she’s smart, because no hot chicks are smart, only good for 1 thing, yada yada yada . . .

ok, I zoned out for a bit after that. Really though, if I paid attention while listening to the radio, I would be offended a million times a day. But then I am good at tuning things out.

Call me crazy, whether its unintentionally or pretty insidiously, I think there are still a lot of ads, shows, etc. that perpetuate the ideas that girls are lame - it sucks to be lame. Really, that is my beef with the whole thing - I'm a girl, does that mean I am automatically lamed! Why does my gender have to be the one singled out for lameness just because people want to sell shit to guys?

Lunch break over - no conclusions drawn. Damn.